School Resistance: Stressed Child-Stressed Parent

School Resistance: Stressed Child, Stressed Parent

There’s a saying: A parent is only as happy as their least happy child. And honestly? That’s been true for me, too.
When our children struggle, it can feel like the ground under our feet shifts. We lose our sense of stability. And if school resistance enters the picture, it can bring everyday family life to a screeching halt.

So how do we make sense of it when our child just can’t face school?
Part of us wants to find someone to blame: It’s the school’s fault. It’s my fault. It’s my partner’s fault. It’s my child’s fault.
This is so human—our brains love neat explanations, and blame is the quickest one around. But it’s also a trap. Blame won’t help your child, and it won’t help you either.

If you want a quick smile (and some insight), watch Brené Brown’s brilliant little cartoon on blame: https://youtu.be/RZWf2_2L2v8?feature=shared

So if blame isn’t the answer… what is?

Put On Your Oxygen Mask First

You’ve heard the airplane rule: put your own oxygen mask on before helping your child.
It goes against every instinct we have as parents—we want to leap into action for our children. But they repeat that instruction on every flight for a reason.

School resistance isn’t a one-off emergency; it’s a slow-burn challenge. If we’re constantly running on empty, our nervous system stays stuck in fight/flight mode, and that takes a toll: poor sleep, unsettled digestion, frayed emotions. And then our minds pile on painful thoughts like, I’m failing as a parent.

Here’s the other piece: often, a child resisting school is already deep in fight/flight/freeze. Their body is flooded with cortisol and adrenaline. And because we’re their biggest source of safety signals—through our tone, presence, and energy—our regulation becomes their lifeline.

When our nervous system says, You’re safe here, their nervous system can begin to believe it too.

So How Do We Fill Our Buckets?

1. Start with Your Body
One of the quickest ways back to your “green zone” is to calm your own fight/flight response.

• Take a deep breath.

• Feel your feet steady on the floor.

• Acknowledge what’s real for you right now—without judgment.

• Try saying: “Even though I feel [tired / worried / frustrated], I love and accept myself,” three times, breathing in smoothly and letting each exhale be long and slow.

2. Build Your Support Team
You don’t have to do this alone. Gather people around you—friends, fellow parents, the school, a therapist, your GP.
If asking for help feels uncomfortable, think of it as an experiment: What if people want to show up for you as much as you’d show up for them? You might even be modelling something powerful for your child—that it’s okay to reach out.

3. Remember: Other Options Exist
When we’re stressed, our brain likes to insist there’s only one possible way forward—and that can make us feel trapped. The truth? There are usually many doors. Exploring them can bring back a sense of hope.

Think of Hansel and Gretel following breadcrumbs—small clues and tiny steps can guide you through this forest.

The Path Forward

When families come to me, we almost always start by supporting the parents first—helping them find their footing, calm their nervous systems, and feel resourced again. Only then do we focus on the child, helping them build the confidence and inner courage they need to re-enter school on their own terms.