School Resistance: Stressed Child-Stressed Parent

School Resistance:

Stressed Child.  Stressed Parent

 

There is a saying that a parent is only as happy as there most unhappy child.  And for the most part that has been my experience too.  When our children struggle, we can feel like it’s hard to keep ourselves grounded.  For some families there are added pressures like school resistance too and that can bring normal family life to a shuddering halt.

 

How can we understand what is going on for our child when they resist school?  A part of us might try to apportion blame:  it’s the school’s fault/ my fault/my partner’s fault/ my child’s fault. This is so natural, the brain seeks to find reasons and blame is the cheapest game in town.  Check out Brené Brown’s wonderful (short) cartoon on blame:

https://youtu.be/RZWf2_2L2v8?feature=shared

 

So, blame is a dead-end street and won’t help your child.  What will? 

 

Put On Your Oxygen-Mask First

 

Why?

 

We have all been on flights where the advice is always- and without exception- to put your oxygen mask on before attending to your child’s.  This is so counter to our instincts, which are to drop everything and DO something to help our child, that they have to remind us on EVERY flight that this is what we must do. 

With a long-term stressor like school resistance careful thought has to be put into filling  our buckets first.  This is because our fight/flight brain is fully “on” and that has a punishing effect on our bodies; digestion, sleep, emotions, all  of which can become dysregulated when faced with the feeling of threat that school resistance raises.  Added to that our brains can create so many beliefs about why this is happening. These beliefs often add to the suffering: “I’m a bad parent” being one of the highest and hurtiest on that list.

 

But there’s another reason why filling our buckets are so important.  Often the reason children are resisting school is because for one reason or another they are in sympathetic “fight/flight/freeze” which means their nervous systems are pumped with stress hormones Cortisol and Adrenaline.  As we our children’s biggest environmental factor and the place they receive the message “I’m Safe” or “I’m in Danger”, it is vital that our nervous systems are regulated and at ease.

 

How

 

Body:  Soothing our own fight flight responses is one of the quickest way to bring ourselves back to the “green zone” of safety.  Take a breath, feel your feet on the ground, acknowledge with mindfulness and kindness what is real for you at the moment.  Using the phrase “Even though I feel… (Dysregulated/Upset/Tired/Worried/Frustrated….) I love and accept myself” then saying it three times as you breathe smooth in-breaths and long slow exhales. 

Assemble your Team:  get a team of support around you; parents, friends, school, therapist, GP.  And if you are someone who has always found it hard to ask for help, now is the time to conduct a behavioural experiment!  Maybe you CAN ask for help, maybe people want to turn up for you as much as you would for others. Maybe asking for help is modelling something incredibly important for your child.

 

My favourite bumper sticker goes:  “Other Options are Available”.   The tendency for the stressed brain to see only one option can create a feeling of pressure: we believe that the only way out is through that one door.  But the reality is there are often many many doors and creatively exploring all options can provide a sense of hope and relief.  Like Hansel and Gretel in that old Fairy Tale,  follow the breadcrumbs of hope and you will navigate this forest.