Helping Your Child Prepare for School: Trusting the Transition

An IFS Perspective
Carolyn Baynes (2026)

How can we best prepare children for starting school?

Starting school is a major milestone—for both children and parents. Many schools offer excellent transition or “settling-in” days to help children become familiar with their new environment. However, the preparation explored in this article goes deeper: how can a parent—as their child’s primary environment—help them trust the transition into school?

Attachment, independence, and school readiness

In Hold On to Your Children (2021), Gabor Maté and Gordon Neufeld argue that modern culture often pushes children toward independence too early. When children are encouraged beyond their developmental readiness, they may begin seeking attachment from peers instead of parents.

This “peer orientation,” they suggest, is one of the biggest challenges facing children today. Unlike parents, peers are not equipped to provide unconditional love, emotional regulation, or a secure base.

With this in mind, it’s important to reframe separation anxiety. If your child struggles when being left at school, this is not a problem to fix—it is their attachment system communicating:

“You are my safety. You are my home. I feel afraid without you.”

This response is not only normal—it is healthy.

Every child responds differently

Children vary widely in how they experience transitions. Even within the same family, differences can be striking.

One of my sons seemed tuned entirely to the “mum station”—everything else was background noise. Over time, he gradually expanded his attention to include his father, brother, friends, and the wider world.

My other son, in contrast, was tuned into everyone at once—meaning my voice had a lot more competition!

These differences remind us that there is no single “right” way for a child to respond to starting school.

What really happens at the classroom door

During my 30 years as a primary school music teacher, my classroom was next to Reception. Each September, I witnessed the same emotional scene unfold.

Parents would bring their children to the classroom door, often leaving them in tears. The distress was real and deeply felt on both sides. For parents, it could feel heartbreaking—like abandoning a child in their moment of need.

And yet, in most cases, within five minutes, the child’s natural curiosity would take over. They would begin exploring, engaging, and settling into their new environment.

The child adapted—but the parent, who didn’t witness this shift, often carried hours of unnecessary guilt and worry.

The role of “Self Energy” in parenting

Internal Family Systems (IFS), developed by Richard Schwartz, describes a powerful inner resource known as Self Energy. This state allows us to parent with what Schwartz calls the “5 Ps”:

• Perspective
• Patience
• Presence
• Persistence
• Playfulness

These qualities are invaluable during transitions—but they can be difficult to access if our own unresolved feelings about school are activated.

How our own school experiences shape our children

Our personal history with school—both positive and negative—can strongly influence the messages we send to our children.

Sometimes these messages are explicit:

• “I was never any good at school.”
• “I can’t do maths.”
• “I’m not artistic.”
• “I hated PE.”
• “School dinners are always awful.”

Each of these statements can unintentionally place a child in a difficult position:

Do I align with my parent—or with school?

Other messages are more subtle and implicit. For example, a parent who experienced bullying may carry a deep (and understandable) belief that school is unsafe. Even without words, children can pick up on this anxiety.

When children feel torn: a real example

I once taught a four-year-old boy with a beautiful singing voice. One day, he told me, “Singing is stupid—my dad says so.”

In that moment, he faced a painful dilemma:

• Accept my encouragement and risk disconnecting from his father, or
• Stay loyal to his father and reject both music and his own talent

This illustrates how powerful parental messaging can be—especially when it conflicts with a child’s direct experience.

Supporting your child without passing on your fears

So how can we support our children in starting school without burdening them with our own fears or beliefs?

IFS offers a compassionate and practical approach.

In No Bad Parts (2023), Richard Schwartz explains that we all have different “parts” within us—each with its own feelings, beliefs, and protective roles. These parts are natural and valuable, but they can sometimes become overwhelming.

For example, you might notice:

• An anxious part that fears your child isn’t ready
• A protective part that mistrusts the school system
• A wounded part holding memories of your own school experience

Rather than ignoring or suppressing these parts, IFS invites us to turn toward them with curiosity and compassion.

A simple IFS approach for parents

When you notice anxiety about your child starting school, you might try:

1. Pause and notice the feeling
2. Identify the part of you that feels worried
3. Turn toward it with curiosity
4. Ask what it is concerned about
5. Offer reassurance from your calm, grounded Self

This process, a kind of relational mindfulness, can be deeply regulating.

As your internal system becomes calmer and more balanced, you naturally communicate greater confidence, safety, and trust to your child.

Trusting the transition

When we work with our own internal world, we create the conditions for our children to experience school as their journey—not one shaped by our fears or past experiences.

We don’t need to eliminate their distress or force independence. Instead, we can:

• Honour their attachment needs
• Stay emotionally available
• Trust their capacity to adapt
• Hold a calm and confident presence

From this place, children are far more likely to approach school with curiosity, resilience, and trust.