5 Ways to Fight Better

We all argue. Family conflict can be painful and consume enormous energy and time. Every relationship has conflict. In fact, relationships without conflict often lack vulnerability — and without vulnerability, there can be no true intimacy.

Attachment research offers a stunning insight: parents with securely attached children experience the same amount of attunement and misattunement as parents with insecurely attached children. In other words, they “get it right” with their child just as often as they get it wrong. The difference is that parents of securely attached children make repairs when things go wrong.

That is such a hopeful realization. It tells us that getting things wrong in relationships is definitely going to happen. What matters most is how we repair after a rupture.

Because conflict is inevitable — and even essential for healthy relationships — it helps to have tools that allow us to disagree with less harm and more connection.

1. PAUSE

When someone says something we dislike or that challenges our values, our first instinct is often to fight back, argue, or shout, “You’re wrong!” as loudly as possible.

If it’s a child, we may demand apologies. If it’s a partner, we may conclude they don’t love or care for us.

But when we pause, we momentarily ask all those internal voices to slow down.

Try it now. Imagine a recent conflict where you felt triggered by someone or something. In whatever way makes sense to you, press pause in your system. Take a breath. Look at a tree. Remember the old saying: “Most things work if you switch them off and back on again.”

A pause allows our overwhelmed systems to reset. It helps us close some of those mental tabs, feel our feet on the ground, and notice what is really happening.

2. PRESENCE

Notice the part of you that wants to argue, fight back, or punish. Simply notice it, and let it know that you are here and listening.

This can take only a few seconds, but sometimes we become so triggered that we need to ask for a timeout.

You might say:

“I can hear that you’re upset, and I really want to understand what you’re saying. Can I take five minutes to settle myself and then come back to this conversation?”

Presence means staying connected — not only to the other person, but also to yourself.

3. PLEASE

“Please tell me more.”

Invite the other person to say more about what they are feeling or experiencing. Give them your full attention.

You might say:

“I can see you feel strongly about this, and I really want to understand. Can you tell me more?”

Then reflect back what you are hearing:

“So, if I’m hearing you correctly, you’re feeling… Is that right? Do you feel understood, or is there more you need me to hear?”

Often, people calm down not because the problem is solved immediately, but because they finally feel heard.

4. PERMISSION

Ask permission before sharing your perspective.

Try saying:

“Would it be okay if I shared what I’m concerned about?”

If the answer is “no,” resist the urge to push. Instead, ask whether you can revisit the conversation later.

Permission creates safety. It transforms conflict from a battle into a dialogue.

5. A-POLOGISE

(I apologise for the wobbly alliteration!)

We need to practise apologising.

We need to apologise for the impact of our actions, even when the hurt we caused was never our intention.

An apology can sound like this:

“I can see this has left you feeling hurt, and I’m so sorry for the part I played in that. Please let me know if you notice this happening again.”

Repair is not about perfection. It is about accountability, humility, and care.

“To love someone is to learn the song of their heart and sing it back to them when they have forgotten.”

How can we learn the song of someone’s heart if they do not feel safe enough to tell us what has hurt them?

May our relationships and communities become safe places to express differences, disappointments, and vulnerabilities. And may we learn to respond with care, curiosity, and compassion.

If you are struggling with communication or finding it difficult to repair after conflict, Internal Family Systems therapy (IFS) can be a transformational approach.

IFS uses the concept of “parts” to help us understand that, in moments of conflict, it is often our protective parts reacting to one another.

If you would like support navigating conflict in your relationships, get in touch for a free 30-minute consultation to explore how IFS therapy could help transform your unique dance of conflict.

07946 153 054